The secret of a happy relationship
Why is it that many couples are "satisfied" at best, but only a few are really happy? Here you won't get any 0815 tips for a happy relationship, but read how you can ride the perfect wave and which details you should pay attention to from the very beginning when finding a partner for life.
In the 1970s, the US psychologist and relationship analyst Dr. John Gottman wanted to find out what the secret of happy couples is and accompanied and interviewed many couples for this purpose: initially when they were freshly in love and then again six years later. He made an astonishing discovery. The couples who were still in a happy relationship shared the characteristic of being generous with each other. But what does that mean exactly? Generosity in a partnership means that both give themselves to each other with what is precious to us:
- Time
- attention
- Attention with all senses
The latter shows in the fact that they really listen to each other, they communicate intensively and authentically, they cuddle a lot, they support each other. It also means that they know each other's emotional needs and take them seriously. And this is not difficult for the happy couples either, so it is not a disciplined matter or a duty, but something they do gladly in order to know a radiant partner at their side. Happy couples have asked themselves the question of all relationship questions at some point early in the relationship:
"Are we moving in the same direction?"
If you find out that this is not the case, because both are moving in a completely different world and on top of that are heading for completely different goals in the partnership or in life, you should think twice about whether this relationship can really make you happy. Which doesn't mean that you can't be very different in the process.
How to bring a happy partnership into your life
Thesis: You can only experience in your life what you can also imagine.
That's why inner preparation is the beginning of a really good partnership. As long as you don't really know what exactly you want to experience, the autopilot in you takes over and keeps creating what you already know. Especially in advanced years.
Do you know your inner driving forces?
As in the metaphor of the gardener who puts his seeds in the ground and nurtures them, it is best to start sowing the seeds. This means that you anchor the image of your happy relationship deep in your subconscious. Your subconscious mind is about 90 percent of your driving force, so you need to feed it the right images so it knows what to do for you.
Choose what you really want to experience in your relationship and when this choice is anchored in your subconscious, your charisma and your behaviour will change. This then attracts people to you who tick similarly and want similar things.
Visualisation is the key. Imagine how it feels to go through life with your partner, what exactly you do and how you interact with each other. This way you can prepare your subconscious for a new fulfilling possibility. Once you know what you need to have a truly happy relationship, don't be afraid to charm the chosen one into it. Here's what's important:
- A minimum of the same views and values
- Trust
- Common interests, perspectives, beliefs
Follow this link if you want to know what you can do to meet someone casually or do something together with your date.
How many rules are needed in the relationship?
Rules in a partnership are always a bit restrictive, as I'm sure you know from experience. But you can't have a happy partnership without rules, precisely because each of you is a mature individual who has his or her own views, boundaries and needs. This means that the agreements you have made must be kept at all costs, otherwise there will be a loss of trust and negative feelings. If the latter accumulate, it is quickly over with the happiness as a couple.
If you don't respect your boundaries, you don't really respect yourself. Most of the time, however, this is not intentional, but happens unnoticed. Sometimes our boundaries were disregarded as a child and then it feels normal, as a victim but compensatorily also as a perpetrator.
Start from the beginning to make your boundaries in the partnership clear , that is, what is an absolute no-go. Besides, it increases your value as a partner in the eyes of the other person. If you stand up for yourself and your values, you prove that you have something like dignity. What are the three things that are important to you in a good relationship? These are exactly the basic rules in the relationship that you need. And that's it, because more rules than necessary lead to that feeling of must and narrowness, the happiness killers par excellence.
Dance the balance between closeness and distance
A good relationship needs both wings to take off: Light and shadow. Focusing on the light is the basis, you want the beautiful and pleasant. So create a vision together. How do you want to see and interact with each other? How does it feel and what do you do? What gestures and signals are good for you? And since there is no light without shadows and the shadows open us up to the light, it's a good idea to dig in the muck for a while.
- Tell yourselves also once:
- your doubts about the other person
- which of his/her weaknesses annoy you
- where you feel thwarted or weakened
- where you feel unseen and unsupported by the other person
- where you are missing something
[Is there anything in your beautiful relationship vision that needs to be corrected?
You can do much more than you think
Happy couples are therefore aware of their own responsibility, what each needs and what they want together. And they stand up for it. Each of them has a desire for it of their own accord. It doesn't work to force someone or demand it of them. If the other person doesn't want to play along, stay friendly, but know that you have a right to be happy. It is your responsibility to make sure you are with the person who feels a natural need to help you develop.
Finally, an experiment for you that can strengthen your connection a thousandfold, if you like.
| The adjacent rule for living | 23.5 hours a day | Half an hour a day |
| requires some courage and discipline. These are the price of a thousandfold gain. Try it out for a fortnight. | … communicate with each other in a strong way! Appreciate, compliment, reassure, express gratitude, inspire, etc. | … you can put messages that have been held back on the table. This means: each of you has 15 minutes to vent and criticise. |
After half an hour of criticism, please only communicate in a strengthening way. And if it's good for your relationship, make a habit of it. And don't forget to celebrate the small and big moments of affection according to your mood, preferably every day. There is always more possible than seems possible.
