Old people shopping
The other day in the supermarket discount grocery shop, I am standing in front of the shelf with hygiene and body care products. A 25m long row with six compartments from the floor to the maximum reach height of an average Central European full of shampoos, shower gels, shaving foam and a colourful selection of similar products. The most expensive items are nicely lined up at chest and eye level, as the market managers learn in their seminars on buyer manipulation; cheap goods at ankle height, so that old people don't bend down in any case, they have plenty of pension after all. I'm on the lookout for a shampoo, having used up the super special offer of a superhero shampoo that had no special feature apart from a cartoon character printed in leaded colours on the PET packaging. But that's exactly what I'm looking for: simply a shampoo for my scalp hair.
But after my eyes wander up and down the entire row for the fifth time, I realise: there are no normal shampoos, at least not in this shop, and how far do you have to walk to get a shampoo? I think of my trip to North Africa, where in the resort there was such a shop, only not as big but better stocked, in the basement of the main hotel building, so that the tourists would not clash with the locals. Appropriately, horror stories of abductions and organ harvesting were told so we could be sure why medical care is so cheap in Eastern European countries because they buy internal organs on the North African market.
Back in the here and now, I feel for my liver, my spleen - everything is still there, as far as can be judged under the fat and muscle tissue of my belly.
That's right: shampoo. Against greasy, dry, dull, damaged and coloured hair, a whole range just for split ends and dandruff - no: against dandruff, that is, greasy, dry, itchy, disappointed and coloured dandruff. Alongside pre-shampoo, conditioner, conditioner ... Phew, I think I have a problem, it occurs to me. Why do I even have to have hair at my age? Wouldn't it be much easier to shave my head bald? I glance over at the shaving utensils. No, then I'm faced again with the problem of finding the right care for my scalp. Besides, how should I know now whether my bald head will then be flaky, strained or greasy? Fortunately, there are no bottles for dyed baldness - at least not in this shop.
I reach for the shampoo for damaged hair located at stomach level. The packaging doesn't look unnecessarily 'eco', fresh friendly colours, and the price tag on the shelf bar is highlighted in red, assuring me it's reduced goods. I can do least wrong with this, because if I use a shampoo for greasy, i.e. dry hair - is greasy even the opposite of dry? - then it makes my hair greasy, because everything on the packaging is true. After all, that's not what I want. The other way round, it dries out. Shampoo for use on damaged hair is definitely the right choice. Because if it works, we all get something out of it. On the way to the checkout, I can already feel my hair relaxing.
I return once more to the drug shelf to see if there might be an anti-stress shampoo. Because afterwards my hair is so relaxed that it falls out - is relaxed even the opposite of strained? Because unlike 'dry - greasy', there is no analogy in the promises on the flower and meadow pictures on the labels. Who associates a flower meadow with healthy hair anyway? I'm allowed to think that, but copywriters are no longer allowed to use the word 'healthy'. Similar to 'fresh', which is now called 'direct, a real enrichment of the language ...
I am convinced that 'resilience' is the keyword that contrasts with 'strained'. Even if even more resilience makes my hair look like Bart Simpson's - in other words, the opposite of Homer. I discover another shampoo at kneecap height and squat down. Indeed, 'natural resilience for your damaged hair' - as if the copywriter knew me. And I can recognise it without a reading aid, once again thinking of old people, the product developers. Oh, only now I have to go back upstairs. What good is all the strength in my hair if it's no longer in my legs? I'm sure there will be shampoos for old legs on the shelf next time I visit - right at the top.